I sometimes hear from wives who are frustrated because their husbands have told them that he is not sure about the marriage, but is procrastinating when it comes to making a firm decision. As a result, the wife may feel that her life is on hold. She doesn’t know if she will have to resign herself to divorce or if she should try to save or fight for her marriage.

I heard from a wife who said, “About three months ago, my husband told me that he was no longer sure about our marriage. I asked him what this meant and what he planned to do. He said he was not sure.” He said that he just needed some time to think things through and then he would let me know when he had made up his mind. Well, that’s been months. Since then, we’ve had some good days and some not so good days. The other day, I once again asked him when he thought he could make a decision and he said he didn’t know. This is very frustrating. I’m not sure if I’m really in a committed marriage or not. I feel like I’m in limbo. I want him to make a decision because I’m tired of waiting. I’ve thought about giving him a deadline or an ultimatum. I’ve thought about trying to make him jealous with other guys. I thought about telling him that I have some decisions to make too, but I have not done any of these things because I still love him and I don’t want to get a divorce. But I’m getting so tired of waiting. What can I do?” I will try to answer these questions in the next article.

Waiting for a possible positive answer is better than pressing for a quick negative answer: I understood the frustration this wife felt. When I was waiting for my husband to decide if he was going to come home after a separation, it was the longest wait of my life. So, I completely understand the anxiety this wife was feeling. But I also know that sometimes if you push him too soon, he’ll feel compelled to give you a quick answer that you might not like. As hard as it is, I personally think it’s better to be patient and wait for the answer you want (that he wants to save your marriage) than to try so hard to get the answer you’re fearing (that he wants to end your marriage).

Focus on stacking the odds in your favor: I believe from my own experience that much of the frustration in this situation stems from a lack of control. It’s very frustrating to feel like you’re at the mercy of his decision and that your hands are basically tied until then. But, you have more control than you think. This is what you need to understand. He probably doesn’t feel so bad about his marriage that he needs or wants to leave. If he had, he probably would have already made a negative decision and acted accordingly. His inability to act tells me that he is torn because he has some feelings of love and commitment left.

So, you have to understand that this is something that is very much in your favor. In fact, this is a foundation on which you can build. I know it’s hard trying to strengthen and rebuild your marriage when you know he has doubts. But this is better than trying to rebuild your marriage after he’s moved on (which is what I had to do). Believe it or not, here are some advantages. She still lives with her husband and has easy access to him. And this woman had admitted that she and her husband had good days during this period of time. So the real key was to keep having the good moments and eliminate the bad ones. Ask yourself what might be causing your doubts, and then try to address or eliminate them in a very positive way that will strengthen your marriage at the same time.

So my answer to the question posed is that, in my opinion, you should not try to “make” or “pressure” your husband into making a decision about your marriage. Instead, experience tells me that it is better that you take control of the situation and establish your marriage so that there is no question that he wants to stay in the marriage because he has become one that makes both of you happy. And when both of you are happy and satisfied, why would you decide to leave?