Anyone who has loved a narcissist question: “Does he really love me?” “She appreciates me?” They are divided between her love and her pain, between staying and leaving, but it seems she can not do either. Some swear that they are loved; others are convinced that they are not. It’s confusing, because sometimes experience the loving person they love, whose company is a pleasure, only to be followed by behavior that makes them feel unimportant or inadequate. Narcissists claim to love your family and friends, but do they do?

How does a narcissist love?

Narcissists can show passion in the early stages of dating. But that kind of passion, according to Jungian analyst Robert Johnson, “always addresses our own projections, our expectations, our own fantasies … love is not someone else but ourselves.” These relationships provide positive attention and sexual satisfaction to support the ego and self-esteem of a narcissist. For most narcissists, their relationships are transactional. Its goal is to enjoy pleasure without commitment. (Campbell, et to the.) They are playing a game, and winning is the goal. attractive, energetic and possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand and manage emotions are. (Dellic, et to the., 2011) This helps them to manipulate people to gain their love and admiration. Boast of being respected, loved and gratified. In addition, its good social skills allow them to make a good first initial impression. They can show a great interest in romantic prospects and seduce with generosity, expressions of love, adulation, sex, romance, and promises of commitment. Narcissists love (Don Juan Mata Hari and types) are lovers adept and persuasive and can have many conquests, yet remain unique. Some narcissists are and / or practices love bombing overwhelming prey with verbal expressions, physical and material love.

Narcissists lose interest as the expectation of intimacy increases or when they have won at their game. Many have trouble staying in a relationship for more than six months to a few years. They prioritize power over intimacy and loathe vulnerability, which they consider weak. To maintain control, they avoid closeness and prefer dominance and superiority over others. Roleplaying thus strikes the perfect balance to both meet your needs and keep your options open to flirt or date multiple partners.

A sudden breakup can be traumatic to your ex, who is mystified by your unexpected change of heart – propose one minute, and walk out the next. They feel confused, crushed, discarded and betrayed. Had the relationship continued, they would eventually have seen through the narcissist’s seductive appearance.

Some narcissists are pragmatic in their approach to relationships, focusing on their goals. They may also develop positive feelings towards their partner, but more based on friendship and shared interests. If they marry, they lack the motivation to maintain their romantic facade and employ defenses to avoid closeness. They become cold, critical and angry, especially when they are challenged or don’t get their way. They are likely to support their spouse’s needs and wants only when it is inconvenient and their ego is satisfied. After devaluing their partner, they need to look elsewhere to prop up their inflated ego.

The challenges for a narcissist

True love is not romance, and it is not codependency. Aristotle and St. Thomas Aquinas, is “to will the good of another.” In the psychology of romantic love Nathaniel Branden states that “To love a human being is to know and love his person. (1980, p. 50) It is a union of two people, which requires that we see another person as something separate from us Furthermore, in Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving (1945) he emphasizes that love involves effort to develop knowledge, responsibility, and commitment. We must be motivated to meet another’s wants, needs, and feelings and give encouragement. and support. we take the pleasure of happiness and try not to hurt them.

When we love, we show an active concern for their life and growth. We try to understand your experience and worldview, even though it may differ from ours. care involves providing care, respect, support, compassion and acceptance. We must dedicate the necessary time and discipline. Romantic love can turn into love, but narcissists are not motivated to truly know and understand others. (Ritter, et al.)

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists lack empathy. They are “unwilling to acknowledge or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” (APA, 2013) Research shows that they have structural abnormalities in brain regions associated with emotional empathy. (Schulze, et al. 2013) Thus, their ability to appropriately respond emotionally and express care and concern is significantly impaired.

Narcissists have various obstacles to love. First of all, they neither see themselves nor others clearly. First, the people they experience as extensions of themselves, rather than separate individuals with different needs, desires, and feelings. Second, their own emotional empathy overestimate (Ritter et to the). Third, your defenses distort your perceptions and interactions with others. They boast and withdraw into the nearness of control and vulnerability, project onto other unwanted, negative aspects of themselves, and use denial, entitlement, and narcissistic abuse, including blame, contempt, criticism, and aggression, to ward off embarrassment. Perfectionist narcissists cruelly suppress others and may attempt to destroy adversaries in order to maintain their illusion of perfection. All of these issues affect the narcissist’s ability to accurately take in another person’s reality, including that person’s love for them. In fact, narcissists’ emotional intelligence helps them manipulate and exploit others to get what they want, while their impaired emotional empathy makes them less sensitive to the pain they inflict.

Can love be measured?

Love is difficult to measure, but research shows that people feel love expressed by: 1) words of affirmation, 2) spending quality time, 3) giving gifts, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical contact. (Goff et al 2007). Another study revealed that participants felt aussi loved by a couple who: 1) showed interest in the adventures; 2) He gave emotional and moral support; (3) we made intimate disclosed; 4) sentiments expressed by them, such as “I’m happiest when I’m around you”; and 5) tolerated their demands and defects in order to maintain the relationship. (Swenson, 1992, p. 92)

conclusion

People who love narcissists are in need of many of these expressions of love. Sometimes narcissists are remote, dismissive, or aggressive; other times, they show care and concern and are helpful. Not that narcissists are unable to feel or even intellectually understand someone’s feelings. The problem appears to be rooted in childhood trauma and physiological deficits that make emotional impact assessment, reflection, and expression of empathy adequate. (Unconscious or unexpressed: “I love you, but”); I expressed, “I’m too busy to come to the hospital,” sounds quite cold, but may not reflect the narcissist’s love for the hospitalized person. When the importance of the visit was explained to them, they could make the trip.

They can show love when motivated. Their love is conditional, depending on the impact on the narcissist. Narcissism exists on a continuum from mild to malignant, when severe, selfishness and an inability to express love become more apparent when higher demands are placed on a narcissist. Dating or long-distance relationships that have fewer expectations are easier.

Bottom line He wonders if a narcissist he likes is the wrong question. Although it is wise to understand the mind of a narcissist, as echoed in the myth of Narcissus, the partners overly focus on the narcissist to the detriment of him. Instead, ask yourself if he feels valued, respected, and cared for. Are you getting your needs met? If not, how is it affecting you and your self-esteem and what can be done about it?

© 2018 Darlene Lancer

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