She said: “He really needs someone around him so he can stop drinking.”

As I watched her, images of similar codependent relationships danced through my head, and they weren’t exactly “sugar plums.” Shouting “Don’t!” at the top of my lungs wasn’t an option, but I figured it out before I started talking.

When I found the right words, I discovered something interesting. I thought I would use someone else’s story. I mentioned something like this: You know, I understand how you feel. I know many women who have felt the same. They end up engaging in a caretaker role. That sounds great, and you can do it for love. You may feel important in your life. And that is noble and good, at first sight.

Let’s take a second look. Perhaps you would agree that every relationship has a “honeymoon” phase and then settles into some sort of routine. If you think a honeymoon phase can last for years, you might be in for a surprise.

In a non-codependent relationship, once the honeymoon phase is over and an eventual first disagreement manifests itself, a phase of disappointment occurs. After this disappointment, there may be a more realistic view of the other person and acceptance, or perhaps rejection.

In the codependent relationship, the caregiver feels “one above” the person who is the recipient of care. This leads to a double disappointment in the disappointment phase.

That’s just the first round. The caregiver may realize that their strategy for finding love might need some revision (in fact, it is a strategy and can be easily modified with NLP), or the caregiver may stay in the relationship for one or many more “rounds” of augmentation. . disappointment. The caregiver will also feel that the other person is to blame for her misery.

I find it fascinating that we humans are “wired” in such a way that this is possible. It’s like being thrown onto a game board and not given the rules and tools to succeed.

We are wired in a way that makes it hard to see what we’re doing, to understand our own strategies. When someone points out our strategies, we naturally feel offended. It is the nature of the unconscious mind to harshly judge what we are hiding from ourselves. How COULD it be me? Are they!

Once we step back and realize our own strategies, we create infinitely more possibilities for enjoyable relationships in our lives.