It may feel comfortable and smooth to walk, or it may be rocky and painful, but at least you know where you stand. She recently ended a relationship with a man she loved. It was her call, not mine. To our credit, she ended with love and respect. Yes, we had felt some pebbles on our way together. But his decision to end the relationship knocked me off my feet and into the void.

When a relationship ends, we are inevitably thrown into a void or an abyss, where there is still nothing solid to land on. This is when the emotional roller coaster picks up speed. Falling into the void feels disoriented and we don’t know where or when we’ll land on our feet again.

Living in a vacuum is a critical time to really dance and flow with our feelings. My own loss of relationship reminds me how powerful our emotions are. We feel the grievance, the sadness and the loss not only of the person, but also of the dreams we had and the opportunities that have not yet been realized. Even those who initiate the break are not immune to this, although the degree of their emotional suffering is different from that of those left behind.

I remembered one of my children’s favorite stories when they were little. It was about a family going on a bear hunt. On their way they encountered obstacles such as a swampy swamp or a dark forest. Inevitably, the conclusion was: “You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you can’t go around it. Oh no! We have to go through it!” Our healing comes from going through and flowing with our feelings, not from repressing or denying them.

There is discomfort in the void, often bordering on pain. Our hearts literally ache. He seethes with anger. He huddles in despair. However, it is very important to take time in this void. Emotions live on a spectrum, and when we limit the risk down of pain, we simultaneously limit the reward up of joy and love. If we rush the grievance process we risk leaving some unresolved pain and issues within us that will play an additional role in a future relationship.

Recently one of my sons developed an infection. It stubbornly grew into a swollen and painful abscess under the skin. Eventually, the toxins built up to the point where the abscess burst, releasing the infection in the form of pus. It was the relief the doctor and I had hoped for, but it was still painful. However, to complete my son’s healing process, it was not enough. The doctor had to make a small incision in the visual wound to enlarge it. He had to probe into the wound with medical instruments and disinfectant to make sure that all the pus was actually coming out of my son’s body. The wound had to be intentionally left open for a few days to make sure it all drained and healing was complete.

Experiencing this drama with my son while living in the void of my broken relationship was a great illustration for me. Just as my doctor selected from various medical instruments to probe my son’s wound, here are some recommendations on how to carefully probe our own wounds to ensure complete healing.

1. Use your breath

One strategy that I have been using effectively is to welcome and breathe into my wounded heart. I am celebrating each wave of grief or sadness as a sign of how willing I was to open my heart in love. Every day I feel my heart grow stronger, more capable of loving myself and others.

When you feel a whisper of strong emotions starting to rise, be sure to take deep, mindful breaths. Shallow breathing does not allow enough oxygen into the body and creates stress. Deep abdominal breaths help to calm the ego mind which may start to race with thoughts in an effort to avoid pain. Taking deep breaths during an emotional moment will help you digest the feelings and you can regain a sense of calm and groundedness more quickly.

2. Your diary is your gauze

A diary is like a clean, sterile gauze pad for an open wound. A journal is a safe place to collect all those inner thoughts and feelings that need to be released. I would even say that life in a vacuum requires a journal. Otherwise, the unreleased feelings and toxic thoughts that are created in a relationship breakup simply continue to rage within your awareness. It is also the gateway to connecting with the wisdom and gift of why you have manifested this situation in the first place. There are no hits and misses about how to keep a journal correctly. That’s just the squawk of the ego mind. Just try journaling.

3. The medicine of music

Music is a powerful tool to explore and help you release emotions. A particular melody or lyrics can touch your heart to cheer you up or stir up the pot of sadness and pain. If you feel numb and don’t know how to trigger the release of your emotions, music can do it. Some of my favorite songs to connect to and be at peace with those sad emotions include “The Power of Good-Bye”; Madonna’s “Fix You”; by Coldplay and “What Goes Around Comes Around”; by Justin Timberlake. In terms of the connection to anger, there is no such thing as “You should know”; by Alanis Morissette to help you feel it. Feel free to add your own personal favorites by commenting on my blog.

4. Celebrate your tears

Yes, this is the time for tears. There’s no need to bottle them up or maintain a stiff upper lip. Talk to a friend or out loud to yourself and enjoy a good cry. I’m training with renowned author and relationship expert Dr. Barbara De Angelis, and she offered a beautiful analogy for feelings. She explains that feelings flow like water. When we bottle them up, resist them or deny them, it is as if we are freezing the water into pieces of ice around our hearts. The tears we shed when we release our emotions are simply the melting ice around our hearts. Celebrate your tears not as a sign of weakness or need, but as a sign that you are honoring your heart and becoming stronger.

5. Give yourself time

Breakups are painful and people fight to avoid that pain. Quick new relationships, addictions, gossip, and ignoring personal health are all ways we try to distract or numb the pain. We can’t be too quick to heal the wound and we need time to heal from the inside out. Sometimes our loved ones, who hate to see us suffer, can urge us to move quickly and get out of the void. But the void is the place where we will find the wisdom of the relationship breakup, so we must take the time to do our own inner work.