I recently heard from a woman who said her husband had admitted to a short-term affair and was begging for his forgiveness. The husband swore that he wanted to save the marriage and that he would “do anything” to make it up to the wife. The wife’s first instinct was that she did not want a divorce, but she was still struggling. When she asked her husband what he had done wrong with her that she contributed to his cheating on her, he swore that her infidelity had nothing to do with her or her marriage. He insisted that he had never stopped loving her.

This angered the wife and also confused her. She told me, “When he tells me he never stopped loving me, I want to tell him that it makes me think he’s still lying to me. How can you be in love with someone and cheat on him? I know he probably thinks this is the right thing to say, but it only makes me trust him less. Is it possible to never stop loving someone and still cheat on them? If so, could you explain it to me?”

This situation is actually very common and I get quite a bit of correspondence like this. Men can often separate one type of relationship from another in a way that women rarely can. And, many men will honestly tell you that your cheating has a lot more to do with them than it does with you. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.

A look into a man’s thought process when cheating on the woman he loves: Before I continue, I must emphasize that I am in no way advocating cheating or dishonest behavior. My spouse cheated on me and I know how painful it is. He would never try to diminish a cheater’s responsibility for his own actions. However, since I began doing extensive research on this topic, I have come across different perspectives from the men involved. They are often more honest with me than with their wives because they know there will be no consequences for what they say to me.

Many admit to vulnerabilities, self-esteem issues, and doubts that they would not want to share with their wives. In essence, they feel that they are falling short in some way. Maybe they are getting old. Perhaps they are dealing with some insecurities in their job or with their ability to provide for their family. Perhaps they are allowing low self-esteem to contribute to unnecessary risks or undesirable behaviors. But, the common thread is that they often feel bad about themselves and not their wives.

When I explain this to wives, I often hear responses like “well why didn’t he share this with me? I would have gone to counseling with him or done what we needed to do.” The answer often lies in the fact that a man will often want to take the easy, secret way out. Sharing your feelings with him, being vulnerable, and opening yourself up to controversy or discovery is often something you will resist as much as counseling.

This doesn’t make your actions right or even less painful. But I’m sharing this with you because I want to help you understand his thought process. And I want to show that often his feelings or even his thoughts about you don’t always come into the equation. Women often tell me they’re not sure if this makes things better or worse. I can’t address this for you, but I can tell you that I believe that in some circumstances, men are being honest when they say they never stopped loving you. But, they’ve often stopped loving themselves and certainly don’t care what’s best for them (or you).

He will often show his love for you after the affair with his actions: Wives often ask me if they should believe their husband’s claims that he still loves them after they’ve been unfaithful. I often reply that her actions are much easier to assess than her words. People can and will make all kinds of claims, especially when something they value is at risk.

But often it is their actions, not their words, that will tell you their true feelings and intentions. A man who never stopped loving his wife will take responsibility for her actions and do whatever he can to help her heal. He will be patient and kind. He will answer her questions without excuses or accusations. He will give her reassurance and affection and support her in rebuilding her trust and restoring her self-esteem.

In short, he wants what’s best for her, even if he ultimately decides that doesn’t include him. Yes, it may take her husband a while to get to this place and she may have to push him or help him get there. But a man who never stopped loving you will usually show it over time in the way he acts rather than what he says.