Although it is painful to see our loved ones being self-destructive, detachment allows us to enjoy our life despite another person’s problems and behavior. Attachment and affection are normal. It’s healthy to get attached to the people we love and care about, but codependent attachment causes us pain and problems in relationships. We get too attached, not because we love so much, but because we need so much.

We need someone to be and act a certain way so that you can feel good. Managing and controlling, reacting and worrying and obsessing are counterproductive codependent patterns. We can get too involved. The antidote is to detach and let go.

What is decoupling?

Detachment implies neutrality. Separating is a way to separate the unhealthy emotional glue that keeps us fused in a codependent relationship.

What is not parting

It does not mean physical abstinence. Neither is emotional detachment, such as being distant, disinterested, emotionally disconnected, or ignoring someone.

Separation does not mean neglecting family responsibilities or leaving someone. Although physical space or separation can be useful as a means of setting boundaries and centering ourselves, this is not what detachment means. For example, some people choose not to have contact with someone, because the relationship is too painful.

Physical proximity is irrelevant. In fact, some divorced couples are more emotionally attached and react to each other than most married couples. Someone who lives far away can press our buttons on a phone call to get us to linger over the conversation for days, or even if there wasn’t one! Separating ourselves is about refocusing and taking charge of ourselves.

Key ingredients of detachment

It involves letting go of our expectations and entanglements with other people’s problems and issues. We stop reacting to the things they say and do and obsessing over and worrying about things. We take control of our feelings and thoughts and take care of our own affairs. It doesn’t take away our feelings and worries, but rather channels them in a healthy way. In practice, it is more compassionate and loving than codependent attachment.

Separation involves four key concepts:

1. Have appropriate limits
2. Accepting reality
3. Be in the present, not in the past or future.
4. Take responsibility for our feelings and needs.

Separating is letting go with love

When first learning to detach, people often shut down their feelings or use walls of silence to refrain from codependent behavior, but with persistence, understanding, and compassion, they can let go of love. Gradually, instead of investing in changing or controlling others, we can be compassionate and supportive. We have no need to argue or persuade others, but rather we are curious about different points of view. This shows respect and honors boundaries and separation. Instead of manipulating people to be like us, we risk being authentic. Instead of trying to change someone’s need for space or silence, we enjoy our time alone or with another person. This may seem impossible, but the payoff is rewarding.

Are you too involved?

When we worry, it is a sign that we are attached to a certain result. When we feel frustrated with someone, it is because we are attached to them being different from what they are and accepting their shortcomings. When we give unsolicited advice, we are crossing a line and taking a superior position. We all do this sometimes, but codependents do it excessively. Instead of two people with separate minds and independent feelings, the boundaries are blurred. Does this apply to you?

1. Does your mood and your happiness depend on someone else?
2. Do you have strong emotional reactions to someone’s opinions, thoughts, feelings, and judgments?
3. Do you spend time worrying and thinking about someone else’s problems?
4. Do you analyze someone’s motives or feelings?
5. Do you think about what another person is doing, not doing, thinking or feeling?
6. Are you neglecting your career, hobbies, activities, or friends because of a relationship?
7. Do you stop doing other activities if someone else doesn’t join you or disapproves of them?
8. Do you please someone because you are afraid of rejection?
9. Are you anxious to do things alone?

When we are too involved, we are shortsighted. Others become extensions of us. We try to control your opinions, feelings, and actions to get what we need and feel good. We try to handle them to avoid witnessing their suffering. We try to impress and please them. We try to persuade them to agree with us or do what we want. So we react with pain or anger when they don’t want to. If you identify yourself, learn why it is helpful to separate.

Benefits of separating

Letting go has profound benefits for us, not only in relationships, but also in personal growth, inner peace, and in all areas of our lives.

• We learn to love
• We gain peace, freedom and power
• We buy time for ourselves
• We become more resistant to loss
• We learn independence and self-responsibility.
• We encourage that in others

We are responsible for our thoughts, feelings, actions, and the consequences of those actions. Other people are responsible for yours. Encouraging someone from time to time or paying more attention to them is not codependent. One benefit of a good marriage is that the spouses nurture each other when one is in trouble, but it is supportive, not codependent care, and it is reciprocal.

On the contrary, when we constantly try to change the mood of others or solve their problems, we become their caregiver based on the mistaken belief that we can control what is causing their pain. We are assuming responsibilities that are theirs, we do not bear them. Sometimes codependent couples unconsciously agree that one spouse has an obligation to make the other happy. That is an impossible task and it leads to mutual unhappiness, anger and resentment. The cheerleader is always failing and frustrated, and the recipient feels shame and resentment. Whatever we try will not be entirely correct or sufficient.

How to separate

Detachment begins with understanding, but it takes time for the heart to truly accept that ultimately we are powerless over others and that our efforts to change someone are futile and possibly harmful to ourselves, the other person, and the relationship. . Follow these steps to practice separating:

1. Ask yourself if you are in reality or in denial.
2. Examine whether your expectations of the other person are reasonable.
3. Take an honest look at your motivations. Are they selfish?
4. Practice allowing and accepting reality in all aspects of your life.
5. Allow your feelings.
6. Practice meditation to feel less attached and reactive.
7. Practice compassion for the other person.
8. Be authentic. Make first-person statements about your genuine feelings rather than offering advice.
9. Expect Al-Anon or CoDA meetings.

If you answered “yes” to several of the questions above, consider learning more about separation and getting support. Separating can be very difficult to do on your own.

© DarleneLancer 2020