Tired of the sky-high prices in supermarkets? Sick of those frozen dinners that taste less than the cardboard box they live in? Looking for a dinner alternative that is guaranteed to leave the family wondering, “What the heck is this?”

Then it might be time to consider serving up that American classic, Spam. That’s right, the cheap canned meat treat that also doubles as a paperweight, doorstop or hockey puck is making a comeback, with the Associated Press reporting a 7 percent increase in sales compared to the same period last year.

I know it’s probably been a while since you’ve enjoyed this goo-covered, gray-pink, gelatinous slice of heaven, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to answer a few common questions you’re bound to have.

Q. I’ve had my new girlfriend over for dinner and I’d really like to impress her, so I’m baking a casserole of spam. What kind of wine should I serve, red or white?

A. Don’t think red or white, think “screw”. Serving one of those elegant Spam-capped wines is like putting chrome wheels on a garbage truck. A cheap and fruity, vintage 2007 (preferably April) Thunderbird is your best bet. An added benefit is that if you get your girlfriend drunk enough, she may not even realize what you’ve fed her. Until the next morning, anyway.

Q. Is it true that spam comes from the pig’s shoulder?

A. Spam actually comes from many areas of the pig, such as the cloven hoof, snout, and bits of tail that are added for added flavor. While this may sound somewhat disgusting to the average person, these precious parts of the pig are considered delicious in many Third World countries. Like, say, New Jersey.

Q. I’ve often been told that I “eat like a pig.” Do you think it is due to a subconscious desire to spam?

A. No, it’s probably because you really eat like a pig. Helpful Hint: It’s not acceptable to burp loudly after a spammy dinner, then turn to the cook and announce, “Wow, they sure didn’t eat food like that in jail!” My guess is that they did.

Q. Is it true that spam was the favorite food of US troops in World War II?

A. Yes, but not because they liked to eat it. An obscure fact is that spam proved to be a lethal weapon during the war. When American mortar crews ran out of ammunition, they substituted Spam cans, with excellent results. On many occasions, when small blue “shells” were rained down on them, German soldiers could be heard yelling, “Coming in! Rock-hard meat-like substance! Take cover! Schnell!” I even heard rumors that Harry Truman briefly considered dropping spam canisters on Hiroshima, but he decided the atomic bomb would be more humane.

Q. What does spam really mean? I have always heard that it is “Pork shoulder with ham”.

A. Spam stands for “Stomach Pumps Required,” because the Surgeon General once allegedly considered ordering the following warning label to be placed on every can: “This product is not intended for human consumption, especially if a member of the active duty military or when trying to impress a new girlfriend May cause projectile vomiting, paralyzing diarrhea or the sudden urge to eat from a feeder while making disgusting animal sounds Product is safe to use as a weapon of mass destruction “.

Q. I have tried spam several times, but I can’t develop a taste for it. Is there an appetizing way to prepare it?

A. Let’s face it, spam is not for everyone. To paraphrase Harry Truman, if you can’t stand spam, get out of the kitchen.

Copyright 2007-2009. Chris A. Joseph. All rights reserved.