Emotions are natural to experience. They come and go all the time, and that’s perfectly normal. Emotionally intelligent people recognize this and function well in life. They understand that it is not about not having an emotion, having less emotion, or not expressing it. It’s about how you express emotion, where you direct it, and what you expect your loved ones to do with your emotion.

Emotionally needy people, on the other hand, make up dramas (to draw attention to themselves). This, of course, repels the couple (no one wants to be anywhere near the drama). The partner withdraws (attention is not achieved) and the drama becomes greater. Now the emotion is not about the original but about “my partner ignores me and does not understand me, therefore I am not important” (classic victim mentality, often linked to narcissism).

On the face of it, one must be very perceptive about their emotional behavior and always make sure that their emotional needs are valid and that they are not just throwing their shit at someone else. Valid emotional needs focus on emotions that are fully internalized and for which full responsibility is taken. You get angry (with or without your partner around). You take responsibility for your anger and realize that you are in charge of expressing that anger appropriately. You may need to talk to someone to get the hang of what this is all about. But pay attention to your motivation here. Are you initiating communication to understand the anger, maturely experience it, and release it? Or are you starting a conversation to draw attention to yourself and your problems and gain sympathy so you can feel special and loved? Are you doing this on yourself and fighting with an innocent person? Or are you trying to neutralize a responsibly charged experience?

If you are being mature about your emotions, then it is entirely appropriate to want your partner to meet your emotional needs (by listening and perhaps reflecting back some neutral observations). If your partner cannot be close to your intelligently expressed emotions, then it is absolutely reasonable to look for another partner.

However, if you are trying to gain attention, create drama, and hold another person accountable for what you are feeling, we are not talking about natural emotional needs here. Rather, we’re talking about emotional need that, frankly, no couple could deal with. You need a therapist instead.