Do you live with someone who has an active drug or alcohol addiction, unstable or untreated mental health issues, or someone who behaves in a way that creates an enormous amount of chaos in your life? If this scenario describes you, and you are trying to love, help and support this person, it is very likely that you are living under the influence of FOG-Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

I work with many family members who live under the influence of FOG and don’t even realize it. They realize that they feel stressed, but they often lose sight of the compassion fatigue they are experiencing. Family members who live with someone who has an active drug or alcohol addiction or significantly unstable mental health issues begin to develop a tolerance for chaos. The threshold for “chaos tolerance” can become so high that family members may lose sight of how potentially dangerous or emotionally draining their environment has become. This kind of tolerance for chaos can take hold of anyone, no matter how smart, successful, skilled, talented, financially stable, or educated they may be.

I have worked with family members whose “tolerance for chaos” has become so high that they have almost reacted with indifference to situations that would cause those of us not under the influence of FOG to run for help and support. Family members often recount their experiences of extremely volatile situations (is it ever safe to stand near your verbally aggressive, intoxicated loved one who is heating up a lead pipe on the gas grill and making threats) and describe how they managed cope (with little or no help from others) until the situation calmed down.

Untreated/unstable mental illness and addiction problems affect not only the individual, but the entire family. Family members often experience the feeling of living in a fog. Things seem confusing for many reasons, some external, some internal.

I believe that all family members (who are primarily concerned with the well-being of their loved ones) experience FOG, which is an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. The combination of these three feelings creates an almost fog (or fog-like barrier) for the loved one that can cloud feelings, judgment, and sense of what is real. Often what happens to people who have a loved one facing these kinds of concerns is that they begin to wonder how to handle certain situations because the stakes are so high.

Fear, obligation, and guilt are often the roots of these feelings. Fear of what will happen if you don’t (fill in the blank). Guilt for what you should have done, should have done, or shouldn’t have done. Feeling obligated to help the person or ‘fix’ the situation.

As loved ones begin to operate under the influence of FOG, they often begin to think, feel, and behave in ways that they normally would not. Some things loved ones can do are:

• Overcompensating your loved one
• Make every effort to ‘fix’ your loved one’s situation
• Behaving in ways they would not normally behave (begging, yelling, threatening, punishing, withdrawing emotionally, etc.)
• Pay drug dealers/debts/legal fees
• Devoting all emotional energy to helping/blaming/feeling responsible
• Feeling inadequate for not being able to ‘fix’ or find solutions
• Acting out or withdrawing/emotionally withdrawing from friends
• Forgetting to take care of themselves/experiencing compassion fatigue
• Inadvertently resorting to ineffective communication

In addition to people dealing with mental health/addiction issues, loved ones also need support. It is important for loved ones to take care of themselves in addition to helping loved ones seek help. Community resources (Jami, NAMI, Al-Anon, online support groups, etc.) are available to provide support. Family members, who have a role in loving, supporting, and helping their loved one with these types of conditions, would likely benefit from seeing a personal counselor for emotional support and guidance.

By seeking help and support from a variety of support resources, the fog experienced by loved ones can begin to clear. When the tough get going, the tough get a support network! Don’t do it alone, seek support!