An observation I made recently has been proven true, most of those who say ‘hate drama’ are the biggest drama makers. I hear it daily, ‘I hate drama’ is often posted as a Facebook status or ‘I’m getting rid of the drama in my life’. What does this really mean and why do the very people who seem to create drama claim to hate drama? Could it be that they hate drama because it is always present in their lives by their own actions? Scrolling through online dating profiles, my friends and I noticed a lot of men who said in their profile title, ‘looking for a drama free relationship’ or ‘drama free woman’. When we see this in a man’s profile, we immediately jump. What we hear is ‘I don’t want to work for a relationship’, ‘I don’t want to try to understand’ and ‘I drive women crazy with my unwillingness to communicate’. Therefore, placing ‘No drama please’ on his dating profile has become the new ‘red flag’ in dating. We see it as a possible sign that this man is not willing to accept blame or resolve the conflict honestly and by working on a relationship. So you don’t think this is fair? Is it any less fair than labeling every woman who speaks her mind and demands respect and honesty a ‘drama queen’? In its original meaning, I believe the term ‘drama queen’ was used to describe someone who seeks attention. A dramatic person is loud, obnoxious, confrontational, and unreasonable. A drama queen/king is a person who does not consider that there is another perspective and is not willing to accept the blame. This person will easily ‘go crazy’, make irrational decisions, draw others into the conflict, and even try to recruit a team to side with them. These are the friends on the phone within minutes of a conflict enlisting someone to ‘side’ with them and often distort the facts. A drama queen/king believes that the current issue is important to everyone and she will stop at nothing to prove that she is right and when all else fails, she may resort to loud sobs to gain sympathy. Gossipers would be an ideal candidate for the tag. They talk about everyone’s business and feel like the world should know: be the center of attention because they know everything there is to know about everyone. In that sense, I think most of us really want a ‘drama-free’ life. However, if your life is constantly filled with what you label as drama, maybe it’s time to consider your own contribution to the turmoil. Conflict-free relationships are an unrealistic expectation.

So how has ‘Seeking Drama Free Woman’ become the new ‘Red Flag’? When we see this on your profile, we take into consideration that it may be for the following reasons: (Don’t shoot the messenger, this is for your consideration)

1) You are a non-communicator. The woman makes an attempt to talk about her feelings, you completely shut down without wanting to talk or acknowledge the problem. You accuse her of being too sensitive. She is very frustrated that you will not validate her feelings. She gets louder to be heard. Her verbal frustration is labeled ‘drama’. Women need to be heard when something feels wrong. She needs to know that you are willing to give in to prevent these bad feelings from happening again. If you don’t try to listen and make comments like “you’re overreacting”, “you’re just crazy”, “this is immature”, the result will be an emotional reaction. You mislabel this as drama.

2) You are disrespectful. (particularly regarding members of the opposite sex where you flirt unabashedly and toss her aside when someone more attractive appears). Maybe you make overly sexist comments that put women down. You spend way too much time trying to make her jealous of the attention you give other women than you give her. You will exasperate the green monster and mislabel it as drama.

3) You are a man of mixed messages: A man who says one thing and his actions reveal another. Mixed messages create conflict and confusion. I have witnessed men tell women all the sweet things, introduce them to family and friends, and then tell everyone they are ‘just friends’. Guys, this leads to an intensified conflict that many now refer to as drama. Save yourself the drama and be honest in all your dealings.

4) You play games: We all know the ‘nice retreat’ games. You don’t return texts for days or return phone calls and when your emotional buttons are pushed you say ‘I was busy’ or ‘I don’t keep my phone up my *beep*’ (yes, I’ve heard this). The latest form of “withdrawal” games includes “absence from Facebook”. We see men shower attention on other women; ‘liking’ their statuses, being flirty, ‘liking’ photos, and then intentionally ignoring their ‘love interest’ (even when they post directly to their wall). We are not so naive; It makes us angry that you’re trying to manipulate our emotions. He may achieve his goal of luring her in for the time being, but eventually, when we try to ‘call it’, he calls it ‘drama’.

5) You simply define normal conflict resolution as drama. If even the slightest conflict is considered drama, you probably don’t want a true, meaningful relationship that requires work. In a relationship, deconfliction grows as you learn more about each other. It usually follows a pattern, a natural flow. As you date someone, a bad feeling can arise. If it doesn’t feel right to you, you need to approach it honestly. Telling someone how they made you feel without attacking them should not be labeled drama.

6) You are just a drama maker without realizing it. If you refer to every woman you date as ‘crazy’ or ‘drama queen’, we’re assuming you’re putting pressure on her for any of the above reasons. If every woman you’ve dated is a ‘drama queen’, you may be an idiot. Again, don’t shoot the courier. Of course, there are men and women alike who thrive on conflict, confrontation, and drama. We understand that a lot of men really mean that they don’t want ‘drama’ as defined earlier in the definition. Learn to recognize the difference between honest conflict resolution and a person who wants to involve everyone in the situation. But, also, take a moment to consider if you say you ‘hate drama’, it may be because you’re creating a bit of drama with your own communication skills, lack of honesty, or unwillingness to resolve conflict.