Many wives dealing with infidelity understandably want the full truth about every little detail of their husband’s life and thoughts. She may seem like overkill to some, but when she’s been betrayed and deceived by a web of lies, she can reach a point where she’ll just tolerate 100% truth at all times. This can include the mundane details of everyday life, and those little things that most would consider unimportant. Through this lens, many wives find that their husbands are still floating lies, no matter how small. Understandably, this can arouse a wife’s suspicions even when there may be nothing wrong.
She might say, “I used to shrug and sometimes laugh when my husband downplayed certain things or told white lies. For the most part, this was harmless. For example, he might lie about how much money he spent or when.” the last time she called her sister or her mother. She can make light of the time he spent in a bar or silly things like that. These are harmless things. But, since her affair, even little things like this are intolerable to me and it’s becoming a lot. bigger problem. Now I am extremely sensitive to lies because his lie is what allowed her to successfully carry out his adventure. It’s also why I didn’t suspect him until the affair became a real problem. or omit details about the matter. I fought hard for the truth. I stressed that I couldn’t move on until I felt that he had told me everything. So, small bits of additional information leaked out. I thought that once this was behind him, he would have learned that he didn’t claim to be telling the truth. And yet I still catch him in little white lies. He will tell me that he had lunch in a certain place and, upon discovering it, he ate in another place. Or he will mix up the order in which he did things. When I confront him, he gets defensive and says that he misspoke and that it’s impossible to accurately count every second of his day. He told me that he should try it if I think it’s that easy. Honestly, I know where I’ve eaten. Precisely. Every time. I admit that my husband can be giddy at times. But I think if he knows that honesty is important to me, he would do more. Am I wrong about this? For me, especially now, precision is vital. I have no patience even for small lies. I’m exaggerating?”
I don’t think you are. What you are going through is normal. I reacted in the same way. But I found something interesting, at least in my own case. Sometimes a mistake is just a mistake. For example, in the early stages of our recovery, I thought it was a big problem every time my husband spoke badly. I thought it was potentially catastrophic every time I was late. He insisted that he was being truthful and sincere. And now, years later, I can look back and I can see that he was telling me the truth. Because in the years since then, he has done exactly what he said. But at that moment, when things were so fresh, I assumed that every little suspicion meant for sure that he might be cheating on me again. And these suspicions meant that he absolutely couldn’t be objective. So in my case, I saw problems where none existed. With that being said, a friend of mine assumed the best of her husband and cheated on her again. So you never know. My strategy became that I would give myself the benefit of the doubt until it no longer made sense to do so. If too many things are suspicious, then it is wise to pay attention. But if someone just talks bad from time to time and their behavior is correct, then that can be normal.
Honestly, one of the best things to try in this situation is to have a counselor ask your husband about the inconsistencies. That way, you don’t have to be the bad guy and you don’t have to feed your paranoia and suspicion. If your husband refuses counseling, try self-help that lists concrete questions to ask. Ask your husband to write down the answers so that he is responsible for them. If what he says turns out not to be true, you have written proof of it. But if he is telling the truth, you don’t need to read it again.
There is nothing wrong with insisting on complete transparency and truth after an affair. Both are necessary. If you lie constantly and about important things, that can be worrisome. But if he’s just talking bad about innocent things when you’re trying to “get” him every time, then that may be more innocent. Usually, the combination of their falsehoods and their behavior is the most concerning. Some men aren’t very good with details, but they show their loyalty constantly and do whatever you ask. This distinction can be important.