As the faithful spouse who was deeply hurt by an affair, it will be hard for me to admit it. But sometimes it’s obvious that people who contact me and want to talk about the consequences of their affair have real feelings for the other person. Most of them know that the affair had to end anyway. Most of them are committed to making sure that what is in the past stays in the past. But, many of them worry about what will happen to the other person now.

So, for example, you might hear a comment like, “I’m so sorry to have an affair. I love my husband. I never wanted a divorce. And I would never break up my family. It’s not like me to do that.” appalling and wrong. The only excuse I have is that the other man really needed someone. I met the other man at my job. I work at a community center and I noticed that the other man was always alone. One day we got to talking and he mentioned the death of his wife. So my intention in making friends was just to be a source of support for him. I never intended to go beyond that. He was so lost and so broken that he just couldn’t turn away. Of course, my husband wants me to break all contact. To make sure this happens, I’m going to have to quit my job. I’m ready to do it, but if “I’m being honest, I still care about the other guy. I still see him as my friend. I know I can’t see him regularly. But would it be okay for me to check on him once in a while? I know that “I would have to hide this from my husband because he wouldn’t understand. But I promise nothing inappropriate happens. I just want to make sure he’s okay. He really doesn’t have any other support system.”

I get many variations on this question. And before giving you my opinion, I want to make it clear that I was the faithful husband. So that’s the perspective I’m looking at it from. I also know how fragile your marriage can be after an affair. I know how insecure you can be when your spouse is cheating on you. I know how worried you are about them going behind your back and seeing the other person.

For all these reasons and more, I cannot advocate never keeping in touch with the other person. I know this may sound harsh. But that’s my honest opinion. Imagine how her husband would feel if she knew that you were “controlling” the other man. He would probably feel betrayed again. He would think that the other man’s welfare is more important to you than your marriage.

I don’t want to seem insensitive. The situation of the other man is sad. But frankly, it probably won’t do you any good to cling to a relationship that can’t go anywhere with a married woman. It is better for him to find a support system that can stay in his life and not be hidden. Sure, he can point you in the direction of professional help if he thinks it’s necessary. But you have decided if you want your marriage to be your main priority and responsibility or if you want to give that place to a third party.

I would like to make one final point. Many people tell themselves that they will just “check in” from time to time. But it doesn’t always turn out that way. The more you are in contact, the harder it is to let go. And that is what you must do if you want to save your marriage. You must let it go. I know it’s not easy. And I know you feel some responsibility. But, your responsibility is to your family. You can consider requesting additional support, but once that is done, you have to do the right thing. And frankly, it’s more beneficial to the other man to develop a new support system that can become a permanent part of his life.