1. Led Zeppelin – Stairway to Heaven

Sure, this song is amazing, a great band having one of their best moments, but at the piano bar, no one wants to sit for 8 minutes of this. Few musicians can truly sing it well, and even if they did, it falls short without the flutes and guitars and other instruments that make up this classic. In a minute or 2 people will yell at the pianist, “Stop! For the love of GOD! STOP!”, Or they will just walk away, either way, this song is a knife to the heart of any party.

2. Meatloaf – Paradise by the Dashboard Light

Another song with a duration problem. On the album, this song weaves its way through the story of a hooked boy and girl and the emotions that accompany it. Sitting at the piano with a boy singing all the parts will test anyone’s patience. There are not too many good parts to sing and after a minute or two you can see that people start thinking about going to another bar. “I would do anything for love” is not better. Save the meatloaf for leftovers when you get home, not at the bar.

3. Chris de Burgh – Lady in Red

It really amazes me how often this insomnia cure is requested. Slow, cheesy, boring, everything you don’t want when trying to throw a party.

4. Styx – Mr. Roboto

After the first “Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto” passes, nobody gives a shit about this song. After that opening, there’s another 8 minutes of really boring crap to work with, and some players will play everything, you don’t want that, nobody NEVER wants that.

5. The latest “Top 40” on the radio

Hit songs are not what they used to be. When songs were in the Top 40 of the 70s, you couldn’t escape them, they were all over the media … 3 o’clock. Now, with “stars” like Justin Bieber and a lot of media outlets, it’s easy for people who are not in the Top 40 to unplug. So you may wonder why a pianist does not know a song because it is “number 1” and therefore presumably popular, but that is not the case. Only a small segment of people know or care about “hit” songs and few of them enter the bar at night. So you might think that your favorite Ke $ ha song is sure to keep the party going, chances are you will be mercilessly mocked for asking such nonsense.

6. Billy Joel: scenes from an Italian restaurant

Some players will hate me and disagree with me violently on this choice, but I keep it in the context of the bar. It’s long, mostly slow, no parts to sing too well, with a million other great Billy Joel songs at your disposal, it’s time to let it go.

7. Well said Fred – I’m too sexy

It’s a joke song that barely has a beat with a guy repeating “I’m too sexy for me …”. This song is strictly for narcissistic jerks who think a song is sexy if it says so in the title, oh, and they ALWAYS think it’s about them. Is not. And it’s just a bad song and a dumb idea.

8. Aqua – Barbie Girl

If you ask for this song and really expect someone to play it, I have to question your sanity. Why would you want to inflict this horrible piece of junk on an audience of people you don’t even know? The rare piece of music that has absolutely no redeeming qualities. It is not fun. Its not cute. Not cheesy. It is not good in any way or in any context. You can laugh saying the title, that’s all.

9. Latest rap songs

There is such an excess of rap and hip hop these days that it is as disposable as toilet paper. This week’s big rap song is something no one remembers or cares about next week. Also, honestly, pick up a track, we’re sitting in front of pianos, not turntables. Most of the newer rap shit has little more than a drum loop and some guy rambling on about irrelevant stuff. The audience won’t understand 90% of what a player is saying and 100% won’t give a shit if it’s newer rap. Stick to the classic.

10. Comedian songs

Does a friend ever tell a joke and make the whole room laugh, but when you tell the same joke, no one laughs? The senses of humor are all different and jokes are very sensitive things in the wrong hands. A song on an Adam Sandler album is not so much a song as it is a comedic performance, and if a player wants the audience to laugh, they must have the same sense of humor and must perform the routine in exactly the same way. Most of the time the songs fall completely flat because outside of the hands of the comedians who wrote them, the songs just aren’t that fun. Also, musicians usually like it when people cover their songs, comedians HATE when you steal their material, so there is also professional courtesy in not doing comedian songs.